


Closeness

by ilnn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And I'm also bad at tagging, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Made Myself Cry, I seem to be incapable of writing other than pining, Iwaizumi POV, Iwaizumi is hoplessly in love, M/M, POV First Person, almost soliloquy, but more fluff, cry with me maybe?, mostly just a lot of pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 17:17:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5383925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilnn/pseuds/ilnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Today I almost asked to him why we keep playing this game, where we are obviously sleeping on the couch just to sleep with each other. But I know that’s my motive, I don’t know his. I don’t want to risk it.</p><p>I’m such a coward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closeness

I’ve never been the kind of person to put my needs before anyone else’s. That’s selfish. So, when I met him, it was no different. Even thought he was a little infuriating I helped him, accompanied him… I was there when he needed me. Is not that I didn’t think of him as a friend, he was just… all over the place, and that was tiring. He never gave me a place to choose if I wanted to be his friend, he just barged into my life and conquered it. And I’m not precisely complaining.  
  
Eventually, when we started high school, I fell for him. Maybe it was sooner, I don’t really know, but I accepted it then. It was strange, to see him in another light, to watch his every move, to suddenly feel like I wanted to be with him even though we were together almost every day in almost every hour. At first it was very difficult for me to be around him, being so close but incapable of trying anything. I never said anything. Would only be inconvenient - we were friends, best friends. He wouldn’t want that. He has his own conquers to think about, his plays, his goals. Those thoughts helped me through it, making me act normal around him again. I don’t even know if he ever notice those days when all felt weird to me.  
  
Acting normal was especially difficult because he was so popular. But I got through that too, at least I wasn’t so obvious about my discomfort – I think. He dated a lot of girls. Never lasted. But still, seeing him with another person was unpleasant, to say the least. I got accustomed and never acted any different. And, it still felt like I was the one that was closer to him. So, well, that was that. And I didn’t want that to change.  
  
  
We graduated. And, no, that wasn’t enough reason for me to tell him. We were going to go to the same college. And be on the same volleyball team again. How is university gonna affect our relationship? Well I don’t think is going to change it. It shouldn’t.  
  
  
Well, it did.  
  
  
We are studying different things. We don’t share classes. We are not roommates. We only see each other on practice. I really hate to admit that I miss him. We sometimes hung out when practice is over but we usually don’t have much time. It’s not enough. But it doesn’t matter. If he does not miss me, I won’t push it.  
  
  
How come first semester is gone?  
  
I passed all my classes. But still, I’m so, so tired.  
  
They gave us a three week vacation, so we went home. One day we were at his house, just doing nothing, the TV was on but I wasn’t really watching it. He was on sat on the floor, near the TV. Out of nowhere he asked me if I wanted to find an apartment with him, as roommates. I successfully hided my emotions and, as if it wasn’t a big deal for me, of course I said yes. He said it was only natural, we’ve been together for so long that he was surprised I didn’t asked before, or that we didn’t move out together in the first place. Of course I didn’t say I’ve been dying to ask since forever but I didn’t know what he wanted – or, that I thought that he wanted independence, staying away from me, because I’m not as new and exciting as being a freshman in a new city. And as always, I didn’t wanted to push it, so even now, I didn’t mentioned it.  
  
  
Apartment hunting was tiresome, but we found an ideal one near campus. Two bedroom and plenty of space to study or even throw a little party – that’s his plan, obviously. It’s near a park so we can go jogging in the mornings.  
  
  
But it’s like high school all over again, and worse. He is still popular – even more than before, really – so he had brought a couple (to say the least) of girls home. I knew this would happen but I didn’t want it to be true. But it is. And it’s starting to be unbearable.  
  
He seem so happy, so, what can I do? Who am I to say something about the way he lives his life?  
  
  
Yesterday – I must say, a couple of weeks later – he asked me if I was OK with him bringing random sluts over _(…maybe he didn’t use those exact words…)_. I, for once, let it show in my face that, no, I’m not OK with it. But I didn’t said it. Instead, I said that if that was what he wanted, then go ahead. The thing is, he got mad about my response.  
  
I don’t know what he wanted to hear.  
  
  
  
He stopped.  
  
  
It’s been months and he hasn’t brought anyone over. We have been better, I don’t know how to explain it. Closer. We talk a lot more. He pisses me of as always but then soothes the air with some dumb sweet move, joke or an invitation to hang out outside. We have been going out a lot lately. The cinema - some stupid movie he wanted to see. The mall – some stupid thing he wanted to buy. The park, a museum, even the beach. Wow, that’s a lot, right? He’s always the one with the ideas and I just go with it, as always – even though I play hard to get, he knows, and I know that I will give in every time.  
  
  
Our team has been winning a lot lately. Doesn’t really surprise me, he is in it. It’s only natural. But with that there’s been a lot of traveling and also a lot of new fans. I thought I was OK with all that but each day that passes, it’s more difficult for me to think that he’ll someday have someone else and I’ll be left behind forgotten. I know it’ll happen someday, it’s obvious. He’ll find the right girl and marry her and form a family.  
  
I know. And it hurts.  
  
  
Today he asked me why I never had had a girlfriend (the curious thing is that it’s the first time he asks) I didn’t know what to say, so I told him that I wasn’t really interested. He got an indecipherable look in his eyes. Then he smiled. And left.  
  
  
  
The school year it’s almost over, and it’s restless. I’m a caffeinated mess. He is one too. We have been living in the living room (redundant, I know), with our messes on the coffee table (it’s a pretty big one) and sleeping in the couch. I’ve woken up a lot of time finding him sleeping besides me, curled up next to me, or just… kinda on top of me. And it’s really hard for me to move, I really just want to stay there. I often do. I place my arm on his back or caress his hair. He’s so beautiful - _of course I’ve never told him, and probably never will_.  
  
Days are so long. Classes, exams, and get home to study some more. And there’s also practice. I don’t even know how we are alive right now. But. It’s become a habit of us to sleep together. I don’t really know when it happened. One day I woke up next to him. He was on my bed. Then when I was exhausted, and he was asleep, I just went and lay next to him. It’s been more than a week. Maybe because of this I’m surviving.  
  
  
(Exams are over. We survived)  
  
  
Vacation brought a not very nice recoil in the closeness that we shared in the last few weeks. But I get it. It was the stress. Only the stress.  
  
Or so I thought. The other day he came to my house, just to hang I guess. We watched a silly movie he wanted to see. And he asked me if he could stay the night. Why not. When I stood to look for the spared futon, he stopped me with a questioning look saying that we have slept so many time together, that it was stupid of me to worry about another futon. When I hesitated he seemed hurt. Or was I just imagining thigs? Is he just messing with me?  
  
  
Break didn’t separate us. I don’t really know why I was so worried, we’ve spent so many together. We got together with the team, we played a lot. Had a lot of sleep overs - sleeping together.  
  
  
I don’t know how to describe this feeling but, for the first time in all this years, I have a little hope that maybe, just maybe, he might see me the way I see him.  
  
Can it be? I just don’t want to push it, even if I have hope, I don’t want to tempt fate.  
  


I don’t know where he was going with that but… he astounded me. He was at my room, I don’t even remember why he was there. Suddenly he curled up in my chest, and placed a hand on top of it. Obviously, my heart went crazy, and I didn’t want him to realize that, so I tried to move. He pressed his weight on me so I couldn’t. Then he looked at me, those big eyes and then parted his gaze. He bit his lower lip, like trying to hold back. His hand was directly on top of my heart - I didn’t think I was going to make it. Then he stood, and left. I was left there, puzzled.  
  
  
  
We came back to school. How it happened, I still don’t know. Summer was gone in a breeze.  
  
Nothing has changed since then. I just feel like he’s looking my way. This means something, right?  
  
_Yeah, that I'm going crazy..._

We won the first practice match. There was a little moment, when we were celebrating on the court that he hugged me, a normal hug, but when we let go, I just couldn’t look away. I was mesmerized by his eyes, his red cheeks and his agitated breath. It was seconds, but seemed longer. He was looking at my eyes but then his gaze dropped to my lips. I was so tempted. I almost kissed him, right there, in the court. For the first time in years, I almost lost control. When I noticed that urge, I pulled away and turned to high five another team members.  
  
I can still feel his gaze in my back.  
  
That day, when we got home, he showered (again) first. I was just lying in my bed reliving that moment, his gaze, how warm his hand had felt against my back. Those thought were going to get me nowhere so I grabbed a hoodie and left the house. I went to walk in the park nearby, the sky was turning red with the sunset. It was beautiful - which took my mind to him again. _When was it that everything beautiful started to make me think of him?_  
  
I was out for about half an hour. When I got home, he was eating in the couch, looking some shitty TV show. He seemed surprised to see me and he smiled wholeheartedly before teasing me about something stupid, like always. I just didn’t care, I stopped paying attention to was he was saying when he smiled at me like that.  
  
I showered quickly. I put on my pajamas and sat next to him. That side was very warm. I didn’t even know what he was watching, it was American. He knows English just fine, I just read the subtitles. But also, I came half chapter in a show that I don’t watch, so, I was just sitting there to be close to him, pretending to watch. He moved so he could hug his legs. I wanted to put my arm around him so bad. But as always, I did nothing.  
  
  
But I can swear that the looks are getting longer every time.  
  
  
  
Weeks have passed and normality came upon us. Each one of us sleep in our beds, alone. We go to practice, study, and hang outside the house when we have time. But this need is getting stronger. Now that I know what it feels to wake up next to him, even if it is just from sleeping, it’s getting hard to go to sleep at all without him. But I don’t have an excuse to go to his bedroom and sleep with him. So, I decided to sleep on purpose on the couch. I just wanted to know what would happen.  
  
I woke up warmed up by a blanket. And a sleeping Oikawa Tooru curled into me.  
  
It was early morning so I decided to make breakfast, a sponge cake that I know he loves and it’s not that hard to do. He woke up to the smell of it. I love to see him waking up, when he’s sleepy he’s slow and he even talks slower and in a deeper voice that it’s really cute. He smelled the room and smiled at me. God, how I would love to see that smile the rest of my life.  
  
We shared the cake directly from the mold when it was colder. He asked why did I baked, and I answered that I just felt like it. He gave me that smile again, saying it was delicious, that everything I do is delicious. I controlled my face not to be all red. I don’t know if it worked but he didn’t mentioned it.  
  
  
Another day in that week I found him sleeping on the couch. I interpreted the situation as an invitation.  
  
  
Today I almost asked to him why we keep playing this game, where we are obviously sleeping on the couch just to sleep with each other. But I know that’s my motive, I don’t know his. I don’t want to risk it. I’m such a coward.  
  
  
We’re at mid-semester and it’s getting intense. Even if classes are not that awful, volleyball is almost facing a tournament and well, we don’t like losing. This school is not that well recognized as it was Aobajousai, but since Tooru is on the team, it’s been getting more eyes on it. And he has as reputation to uphold. And I really want him to win and uphold it. I want him to succeed.  
  
We did win, at least the first day. Next match is next week. We are ready. At least I am. And I want to transmit that confidence to him, so he can rely on it.  
After the game, he thanked me. He said that he felt stronger when I was on the court with him. Once more, I was mesmerized. I didn’t said much, just ‘likewise’ I think. He didn’t won the tournament but we came second. It was the first time in years for this school to come so close to winning. Last year I wasn’t regular until the last few matches (it’s not really related). He was one since day one, like expected. His setter senpai wasn’t so happy about that, but eventually he warmed up to the idea of winning. And, boy, we were winning. _Until now, I guess_.  
  
Coming home was hard that evening. I was unhappy and frustrated, but mostly I was worried. He’s never been a fan of losing so he was a little depressed, like he is every time we relish victory but we don’t reach it. When we got home, he sat on the couch and looked at me, I was still on taking my shoes of, and he extended his hand, like he wanted me to take it. My body moved on its own, I didn’t even think, I saw him and I needed to take that hand. I did, and then I sat next to him. He let go of my hand, and curled into me. This time I did put my arm around him. Just because it could be taken as a gesture of support. He fell asleep. I took a blanket we have in the back of the couch and covered us. I remember that was stroking his hair until I fell asleep as well.  
  
  
It’s almost Christmas now. I’ve never been a fan, but he is. So, unlike other years, I’ve decided that I’m going to buy him a present. Or should I bake him something? _As sappy as that can be…_  
  
So, in the end I baked him a cake, with everything, the sponge cake, the cream, the decoration… it took me all night and a fine time in the morning. But it looked great. We were at home, so I invited him over. I was a little shy about the cake, you know? Of course I was. He got here, he was carrying a present too. It was a sweater. It was pretty stylish, he made me put it on, and it looked good. He looked proud. He told me that he had picked it up, and he had been hiding it from me, he bought it a month ago. When I told him I had something too he looked really surprised. He asked innocently why, if I don’t like Christmas. I used again the excuse ‘I just felt like it’. He smiled _that_ smile.  
  
I went to the kitchen to pick it up, he followed me, asking why it was on the kitchen, ‘I didn’t know what else to give you’. He was speechless when I gave it to him. It was a little cake, for around 10 people, but it looked good, like one from a magazine – even I was surprised on how well it turned up. He gave me that look, that one that makes me have hope every time, and thanked me. I can swear that I thought he would cry – _or was that me?_ Then he turned his attention to the cake and asked me if I wanted some. We ate cake laying on my bed, watching TV. We were close but a normal distance. When he finished eating, he stood to leave the plate on my desk, then he came back to bed and curled into me, like he have been doing so much lately. This time, with no excuse, I placed my hand on his head. At first I was surprised by my own actions, I did it without thinking much, but once I touched his hair my hand felt at ease and I couldn’t stop it from stocking it, very slowly and shyly. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t mentioned it.  
  
  
The day after New Year, we got together with the Aobajousai team, we went to play a little in the school gym and then we ate together. Everything was normal, until Hanamaki asked me, on a very casual way, like it was no big deal, if Oikawa and I were together. I don’t know which face I made but he seemed to regret what he said, and ‘nevermind’ it. I was thunderstruck. I never told him anything. I never told anyone anything. Then, how did he knew? Am I too obvious?  
  
What if _he_ knows?

  
Coming back to our apartment got a little weird. I couldn’t stop thinking ‘what if he knows’. So I’m keeping my distance, I really don’t know why, it just felt appropriate. And he noticed it. At first he didn’t say anything, but a week after, he confronted me. Asked me if I was avoiding him. I told him that no I wasn’t. He called me a liar and stormed off. I didn’t think that my ‘indifference’ will hurt him so much.  
  
He has been pissed off for three days. We haven’t talk much. But I’ve been making him breakfast anyway, and today I woke up on the couch covered up by a blanket – but he wasn’t there. I think that maybe I should tell him, and face whatever I have to face. But I don’t want to face rejection. I don’t think I can handle that. But I don’t know how to apologize to him and tell him that I was avoiding him without a good reason to do so. I can’t say that I was doing it so he wouldn’t notice that I’m in love with him. Nope, not gonna happen.  
  
So, what can I do?  
  
  
It’s been a week. And I can’t take it anymore. We barely talk, he haven touched each other – not even a poke, nothing – and it’s depressing. And in some way, impressive. I’m really impress of how important he is for me. Just be there and talk to me. _God, I think I’m gonna tell him_.  
  
  
Of course I didn’t.  
  
  
But I did talked to him. He was watching that ridiculous cartoon he loves, hugging his legs on the couch. It was cold but the blanket was further than normal, so I guessed that he was just being lazy about it. I took the blanket and covered his back. He didn’t stop watching the TV. I wrapped the rest of him, trapping him like a burrito. He didn’t say anything. I got a little pissed so I used force to wrap him tighter. He made a complaining sound. I looked at him, and then, I lifted him, burrito and all, then I sat where he was and put him on top of me. He had nowhere to run. He knew, so he looked away and remained silent. I moved him as I could so he would be facing me. He looked away again. I apologized and told him that he had to talk to me, tell me why he was so pissed. He turned a little red. The first words he told me where that his legs were getting numb – how could they not… I told him that he was going nowhere until we talked about this. He refused. And said that I was mean for capture him like that. True, I said. I didn’t know what else to do, that I was getting tired of his childishness about the topic. He looked hurt. So I said something without even thinking – I’m not thinking a lot lately – and told him that I missed him. He jolted at that _(all that you can jolt when you are wrapped in a blanket)_ , but he didn’t look at me, he stared at the couch. I raised his chin with my hand, I just felt like I needed to see him now. He was holding back tears. I don’t even know what I thought at that, but all I could do was unwrapped him. To do so, I had to lift him again, so finally we ended up next to each other on the couch. He had the blanket. I missed its (and his) heat. He looked over at me, and placed half the blanked on my lap. I thanked him. He paused his cartoon, stood, put all of his part of the blanket on me, kissed me on the cheek _(that’s new, and… God)_ , and went to his room.  
  
  
Everything went back to normal. Like nothing ever happened. Except for that kiss on the cheek. It still happens sometimes, when he’s exited for something I said, or grateful for something I did. So, lately I’m doing things that could earn one of those. I feel like I’m conditioning myself, just like Pavlov’s dog. I’m baking more, when I have time. I propose fun plans for the two of us (for him, really, I’ll be just tagging along), on a casual note, of course. Just for an innocent kiss on the cheek. I’m pathetic.  
  
  
He wanted to go to a party one of the senpais from the team is throwing. Well, I’ve never been a party person. But he is, so I said yes. Not at the first time he asked me, I have to maintain an image, a shield. Even if I know that we’re gonna end up doing what he wants to. Ten minutes on the party was all it took for me to want to leave. As soon as we arrived, half a dozen girls were all over him. Gosh. I grabbed a beer and left the room. I found a teammate on the balcony. We talked all night. I didn’t even wanted to know what Tooru was up to, or where he was, it hurt. I didn’t even wanted to imagine if one of those girls got lucky with him. I felt like crying. My teammate – Hanayama – noticed that and gave me silent support. It was nice. The beer helped too.  
  
Later, I really, really wanted to go home, but I was afraid of what I would find if I looked for him. I did anyway. He was really drunk. In the arms of a man. I don’t know what face I made because the guy got really nervous and told me that nothing had happened. He handed me Oikawa and left. Tooru was conscious, barely, and I helped him walk. The apartment where we were was only a couple of blocks from ours, so, how hard could it be? - _Oh what a fool I was_. I ended up just carring him, piggyback style. When we got home - finally – and was on his feet again, he cupped my face with his hands, got really close, and asked me to sleep with him. I was going to carry him to his bed anyway, so why not. When we got there, he took my jacket off, and then his. He gave me a hungry look that made an electric impact that traveled down my spine, and in a very fluid movement he took my shirt off. Then I knew what he had meant. I was torn. It’s not like I didn’t wanted to. But not this way. With willpower I didn’t even knew I had, I forced him off me and put him to sleep. When I was sure he was asleep, I laid next to him.  
  
  
He didn’t mentioned it. I don’t even know if he remembers.  
  
But that meant, he wanted to? With me? Or was he just drunk and horny?  
  
God, the think of that just gave me goosebumps. I think I’m the only living thing in this world that would turn that gaze –his gaze- well, his person, off. I’m so glad it was me, though, it could have been one of those girls at the party, or even the guy he was with when I found him.  
  
  
I forbade him to drink if we were going to go out together. He just pouted and said that if I haven’t gone ‘God knows where’ he wouldn't have drink so much. Can you believe the nerve? How could he expect that I watch the ‘Tooru’s show’ with a bunch of girls? But I didn’t say it. What I did told him was that he clearly wasn’t acting like he wanted to be around me in the party. He bit his lip. He said that ok, he wouldn’t drink that much if we went out together again, but only if we stay together. Fair enough.  
  
  
Again, we’ve been hitting routine with normality. Sometimes he comes to sleep with me, sometimes I go and sleep with him – but it’s not very usual for me to do it. How pathetic of me.  
  
  
The other day was a really rough one and as sappy as this can sound, I really needed him by my side. I sat on bed, legs crossed. He peeks in my door, and I let go of my pride and told him if he would just sleep with me tonight. He didn’t even make a joke about it. Even though he looked a little surprised, he just jumped into bed and hugged me from behind, with his arm wrapped around my stomach and his head in my shoulder. He stayed there for a while, while I was just breathing, calming myself. It was really soothing. When like half an hour had passed, I turned to discover a loving glance in his eyes. He lifted his head to my level and let go of my stomach, placing his hands around my neck. We stared at each other for what it seemed like hours, until I finally gave in. He seemed to take the initiative at the same moment I did, leaning in just as I was doing it. When we got as close as we could without kissing, I got really nervous, _this was really happening, wasn’t it?_  
  
It did happen. Even if I hesitated for 0.1 of a second, he didn’t. We closed the distance that I’ve been wanting to close for so, so long. It took years, but the softness of his lips, the shyness of his touch, the longing in his breath, it all made it seem like this was the exact moment all of this had to happen. Because it was destined to happen this way, slow, calm, and in a way that made us both equal, this wasn’t unilateral thinking, wasn’t one-sided. We both wanted to close the distance. But we took our time, we didn’t push it.  
  
I felt like for once in my life I could afford selfish. And I wanted to be selfish.  
  
I placed my hands on his waist, hugging it to pull him nearer. One of his hands were now on the back of my head. I tilted my head to get a better angle and he got it, opening his mouth a little hesitating. He seemed so nervous – was I making him nervous? Ever since he started dating random girls I’ve never seen him nervous, just always so cocky, always so composed. But now he was hesitating.  
  
Maybe he didn’t wanted his, he didn’t think this was what he thought it’ll be.  
  
Those thoughts didn’t stop me, I was already in his mouth. I wasn’t hesitating. If he was going to regret it, he would do it with whatever kiss we had had. So, yeah, I thought if this one was going to be the only one, let’s make the best of it.  
  
Exploring his mouth was the better journey I’ve ever done. Every corner of him was marvelous, every move I made to reach them brought me home. I was feeling something I never thought I would feel. I now understood every sappy romantic movie, every song. Kissing the person you love, makes your world stop and spin at the same time, you feel dizzy and still, you want to continue this forever but at the same time you want to stop time, to smile and laugh and take a moment to appreciate the look on the other’s face, you want to know if they felt what you felt. To tell them you love them, and hope for the best. It’s lingering. It’s strange. But it’s magical.  
  
  
Tooru is magical.  
  
  
I rose my hands up through his sides, stopping when I was cupping his face. I felt my hands go wet.  
  
He was crying.  
  
I stopped and looked at him. He starting sobbing and shaking. I didn’t know whether to hug him or not. I didn’t even know where he stood at that point. But I hugged him anyway, and as soft as I could I asked him what was it, why was he crying.  
  
He just placed his forehead in my shoulder and told me that he loved me.  
  
Not believing my ears, I lifted his head slowly to my level. He was still crying, but not as much. He just had teary eyes and when he blinked a drop or two followed their course down his cheek. I whipped his eyes while telling him that I wanted to hear it again – don’t know what took over me, I guess I just became greedy. He blinked again, this time in surprise, so more tears feel off his eyes. I hate to say that he looks beautiful even when he cries.  
  
  
_‘I love you, Iwa-chan’_  
  
  
When those words dropped his mouth, I just leaned in and kissed him again, smiling against his lips. I just managed to say _‘why didn’t you said so earlier, Trashikawa’_ , before kissing him again. This time he was the one to be more eager about it, he wanted more.  
  
  
And as always, I gave in on what he wanted.  
  
  
But, this time I wanted it too. And I was ready to push everything I had to, just to stay like this, at his side. As long as he wants me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Epilogue

 

He graduated before I did. His degree was only 4 years long, and mine is 6. But we still live in the same apartment – it’s more my home than any other place ever, probably because he lives there too.

His graduation ceremony was great, he already has a few job offers from companies in the city that he’s handling. Another thing that was great about the ceremony was being with the Oikawas. Tooru came out to them when we started dating, he didn’t even told me. Later, his excuse was that his mom had always known that he had a thing for me, even if he didn’t admitted that himself. She and all of his family had been super accepting with us, and the relationship of closeness I’ve had since forever with them hasn’t change – they even say that they are glad Tooru is with me because I can “tame him” or something.

In the other hand, I came out about my relationship with Oikawa in our one year anniversary. I don’t know why I waited that long, maybe because I wanted to reassure them… o myself, that this wasn’t just an infatuation or a passing thing. They didn’t took it as well as I wished, but they didn’t shut me down either. Now, more than a year later, we talk almost normally, about every topic but marriage and kids.

But that’s OK.  


Oikawa played volleyball all through college, I didn’t. University classes and all that were just too much for me. I have missed it every day of every year I’ve been here – but I had to admit that I just couldn’t deal with everything. He, on the other hand, leaded the team to win all the other tournaments they faced (but nationals, once). Everybody expected him to go pro but he also loves his degree.

When we talked about it, he said he was very decided to pursue his career and find a job. He said that that’s forever. I don’t know. What about he goes pro and then retires and finds a job? When I said so, he seemed hurt, saying that if I was already bored of him I just had to say it.

But that’s not it. I feel like I’m holding him back and that’s absolutely not what I want.

Behind his back – I felt terrible about it, after that day when we first kissed, we promise each other _no more secrets_ \- I talked to the coach that was pressuring him to go pro. I asked him if it was still time to decide and if we has still interested. He, as I expected, obviously said yes. He even begged me to convince him. And now, I really think I’m going to try.

That night, I told him that he should go pro. There were tears. Struggling. Yelling. Doors slammed.

But he got my point. He was good enough to do it, all the hard work had paid off and it would all go to waste if he just stopped doing this, doing what he couldn’t deny he loves. He could play for a living. That’s the dream. And when he wanted he could stop and find a job. We both know that he going pro means that he is going to travel a lot, and of course I can’t go with him. But if we were going to play the ‘I don’t want to be apart’ card, I reminded him that I still have two more years to finish my studies, that they were not exactly a walk in the park. Everybody knows that interns have no life – so even if he was here, I wouldn’t have a lot of time for him.

A week later the whole volleyball circles of Japan knew that Oikawa Tooru, the famous setter, had started training with the Volleyball National Team.  


As for me, I finished medical school in 6 years, as planned. I started working in a hospital in the city.

We still live together, but we found a better place. It’s midway between the gym where the National Team trains and the hospital I’m working in. He’s already talking about retiring, but I just say it’s ridiculous. According to him, the deal of going pro was to be pro as long as I was still in school. Which is also ridiculous.

He did well on the 2020’s Olympics. He played a while because he was new to the team, he was not the official setter. But, come on, the potencies all over the world made Japan seem small. We didn’t even got 4th place. But he was content. He had played in the Olympics. Even if there’s a few other international tournaments, he was on the bench at the 2019’s Volleyball World League, but he played for a while that year on the Volleyball World Cup. In 2020 they tried to leave him for more than a set on the World League, and there’s Olympics too.  


I miss him when he plays on international sceneries, and I wish that I could travel with him. But all the pride I feel for him, makes all of it bearable it. He deserves to travel and to play and to do what he loves. Now, for example, in 2022, there’s the Volleyball World Championship and it’s on Brazil... I can’t take that away from him…  


What I can do, while he is away, is giving serious thoughts on asking him to marry me. God, maybe I’ll do it when he retires and we have an established life here - or wherever we want. I don’t know when, but I’ll do it someday. Maybe when he comes back, but in a period of time when he doesn't have to travel for a while... I don't know  


But one thing I’m certain about is that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, even if I have to wait around for him. I did it before and it turned out just fine.  


But now, I can't push it. He’s living his dream. I’m also doing something I love.  


So, for a while I’ll do what I did for years.  
  


Wait.  
  


I'm confident that everything is happening when it has to.  


**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!, I have a few thing to say :3
> 
> 1.- I'm sorry for the non-dialogue thing. My children are way too complex and I'm a coward.  
> 2.- I did a little research on international tournaments BUT I know only what wikipedia told me, I'm sorry if it's inaccurate AND I also invented where the World Championship is going to be. Forgive me.  
> 3.- I'm always reading Haikyuu fics and I just wanted to add something to the fandom, I felt like just an spectator, BUT I'm not very good AND english is my second lenguaje, so tell me if something sounds wrong please - and forgive me if it is awful.  
> 4.- Thank you so so much for reading this silly fluff (ﾉ^∇^)ﾉ . Kudos and specially comments are highly appreciated!


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